Sunday Morning Kind of Life

eissac — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 12:38:43 +0000

So I gave the karate a second chance and it didn’t change my opinion one bit. Immediately afterwards I drove to the dance studio and signed up for some classes. I may have decided that it’s not realistic to pursue dance professionally, but I did really enjoy it once and I want to find that joy in it again. Now that I’ve been working out nearly every day for a couple of weeks, I’m feeling healthier and more apt to join the party.

So I’m considering Portland, Oregon. Seattle is also on the list…but Portland is weighing on me pretty heavily these days. In a way, it’s freeing since I can now go whenever I want without wondering and worrying about my future with a particular person. Nothing to hold me back. My friend, Eddie, who I haven’t seen and have rarely spoken to since college, still lives on the west coast and he sent me a news article about the city of Portland and surrounding areas. Did you know that its the best city all around for dogs? Its also the best city to bike in? Plus, I can’t believe how many art centers, galleries, and cultural institutions reside there. Pretty amazing actually. And it also occurred to me that I should be proud that I’m a person who isn’t afraid to take chances and really wants to find the right place for myself; not a person who just wants to rot in one place for their own comfort. I may never be the subject of an adventure novel and I’ll surely never be seen in the pages of National Geographic, but I’m grateful that I at least have a curious spirit. So I’m planning a trip!!!

eissac — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 13:18:04 +0000

I’m feeling much better today. My appointment with Neil yesterday was helpful — he essentially confirmed my epiphany yesterday and we had a long talk about moving forward with that knowledge of self. I’m studying and preparing for my internship (which begins tomorrow) with the hope of impressing my new ‘boss’ with my docent skills. I’m really looking forward to seeing where this opportunity takes me. The opening night for the exhibit is on the 18th so I have a date to find by then (and grateful to have my little black dress back). I tried karate last night and honestly, I’m not sure if it’s “my thing.” To make myself feel better, I did my NYC Ballet workout last night (need to buy a barre for home), and then enjoyed a sugar cone. As of yesterday, I have two dates this week (weekend) — and I feel nervous, but a bit excited too. It’s certainly going to be a busy week (so many changes!) but I’m looking forward to seeing where the next few weeks take me.

eissac — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 17:40:27 +0000

I love when thunderstorms are brewing and the air smells pure and moist. I just returned from the gallery and since my new place has “on demand” movies…I think I’m going to settle in with some lunch and watch one. I’m meeting Jeremiah at the train station this evening to head to midtown for the foreign film series. We’ve decided that since the film is Greek, the dinner should be too. What a great day for movie-watching.

eissac — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 06:26:04 +0000

2:15 am. I guess at this hour it is reasonable to say that I had a good time tonight. I met a few new people and had some terrific conversations. I drank entirely too much wine — which I’m hoping will wear off just a bit so as not to ruin my plans for Saturday. I’m feeling hopeful, and engaged, and…dizzy. Tomorrow (or, today actually) I’m attending an artist panel at the Contemporary, I’ll be picking up my uniform and meeting my karate shihan (Michael), and viewing a foreign film tonight at the High Museum with a new friend. Tonight, I ran into someone that I met ages ago through my friend, Raju. He’s in the midst of his residency at Emory…and aside from catching up on a handful of mutual acquaintances and playing a game of “Where are They Now?,” he asked me a lot of questions about myself and my plans (which are so utterly scattered and up in the air right now). His attention made me nervous, but I noticed that it also felt good to have a man contributing to a dialogue and well, interested in me. He, of course, is a very busy guy and we ended the evening by agreeing to meet for coffee on Sunday. I think he noticed my hesitation at several points but I appreciate how respectful he was during the evening. So, overall, my first real venture out amongst new people was a success. I’m not sure if I met anyone with whom I had great chemistry, but its probably too soon to tell. But like I said, I feel hopeful.

eissac — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 15:04:53 +0000

I signed up for karate classes. I begin next Monday. Pray for me.

eissac — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 12:41:42 +0000

Community. Let me say that there are plenty of things about my new (yet very old) apartment that grates my nerves, but the one thing that I’ve found solace in is its sense of community. The units are ancient and cheap, but this allows families more space at a good price to reside there. I like the diversity of the people. Every afternoon, I’m sure to say ‘hello’ to individuals, couples, and families of several ethnicities. I like that there is a fenced dog park around the corner so that I can take Sam off the leash and allow him some freedom. I like that there are benches to sit and enjoy a few minutes of the afternoon sun. I like that couples walk hand-in-hand around the lake several times in the evening to talk about their days. I like that children play outside every evening to get in their last bit of exercise before bedtime. I like that the geese aren’t afraid of those curious children. And I finally realized the appeal of this decrepit, broken-down community; the thing that has been missing from each of my other homes and possibly from my life. And strangely, I felt comforted because its something that I’ve suspected all along and confirmation finally found me. “Home” does not lie in the quality of the four walls around you; and it doesn’t matter whether you have formica countertops or luxurious granite. Living in a small house is just as rewarding (maybe more so!) than living in a grand estate. At the end of each day, it all comes down to whether you have something to come home to.

Discovery.

eissac — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 17:10:03 +0000

Sometimes things (and thoughts) just sneak up on you. And when they do, it’s GLORIOUS!! You realize that happiness really is about finding pleasure in the small stuff. Completely serendipitous!!

New discoveries: I love, love, love steamed snap peas with a lil’ bit of butter. I’ve been eating them (along with steamed carrots) every day and I can’t seem to get enough. It’s an amazing combination of light and snappy, and the butter sends them over the top. I am recommending that everyone have some steamed snap peas today.

Next, pears. I’ve always known that I love pears, but my psyche is having a love affair with them right now. After buying a smorgasbord of fruits at the market, and helping myself to all of them…pears are the decided winners. It’s the sweetness combined with a strange mix of softness and grittiness on the inside. Treat yourself to a pear!

Working out. This is probably the one that surprises the hell out of me. I hate exercise…more specifically, for some time I have hated cardio workouts. No more, my friends. There is a nice fitness center at my new abode that I’ve been using everyday. I also took a hip hop class this morning that nearly killed me…but I survived! (Note: My NYC Ballet Workout DVD should be arriving any day now.) Strangely, I feel better…maybe it’s those exercise chemicals/hormones traveling to my brain. Trippy.

Weekend plans are sorting themselves out. I am actively trying to meet new people who I respect and enjoy. I’m going out with a new group on Friday night for drinks. Completely nervous, yet excited nonetheless. Saturday brings an event at the Contemporary mid-day, and I’m going to a movie at the High Museum on Saturday night with a new friend. A Greek film, though admittedly, I’m more looking forward to the Italian and French film series. Lastly, I’ve been invited to a barn party. Yes, that’s what I said. Apparently, some amazing bands are playing in someone’s barn before beginning their spring/summer tours (OTP…so yes I’ve arranged a carpool)…but I’ve heard it’s a great start to meeting some creative and interesting people, so I’m going to give it a go. Trying to stay busy and move on with things. There are moments when I stop and “it all comes back to me” but I’m in a good place overall. Neil has been really wonderful at putting all things into proper perspective, so his words of wisdom have been repeated as tiny mantras again and again. Most important to remember, I think, is that we all have to find our own sources of happiness. He is ultimately responsible for him and I am ultimately responsible for me. And while another person can add to your life, they cannot do it alone. If he’s mature and responsible, he’ll find help and utilize it and do the work he needs to do. And I…well…I just have to give him the freedom to do so and have faith that he won’t waste any more time.

So today’s lesson: I love snap peas. Pears. Hip hop workouts and bicycle machines. Finding creative people. And looking forward to the future. Cheers!

Vision Boards…in progress

eissac — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 18:36:57 +0000

Vision Board 2

Vision Board 1

Vision Board One: Man/Partner. Family/children. Proximity to the Ocean. Rain signifying west coast, possibly Pacific Northwest. Hot air balloons symbolize trying new activities and adventure. Hammock reflects time for relaxation and enjoyment. Friends around bonfire reminded me of my life on the island…casual, intimate, and meaningful friendships and connections. The top says, “Should you learn while you work or work while you learn?” A question I’m always struggling with. I want both in my life…but searching for the right amount of each.

Vision Board Two: I like the idea of a small, cozy home with green grass (possibly a fence) that my dog and my children can play in. Bathtub symbolizes my ideal way to relax and recoup after long, stressful days. Gallery on the bottom symbolizes my work/career aspirations. Photograph of “friends” at dinner reminds me to meet more people who enjoy simplicity, good conversation and good company. Peony in the center represents beauty. Taking time to smell the proverbial roses. My favorite flower because it symbolizes (to me) the balance between simplicity and complexity.

eissac — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 03:04:53 +0000

Four friends took me for dinner and drinks to celebrate my recent birthday. As a pseudo-single person, I enjoyed the drinks that were sent to me from other ‘bar patrons,’ but it didn’t take me long to remember why I always considered dating to be so hard and well, not my style. One friend told me that the best way to get over one man is to get under another. While I laughed at his humor, I simultaneously felt myself cringe. I’m a serial monogamist. I was built to be in real relationships and I find it difficult to enjoy the frivolity and debauchery that is normally associated with singledom. Is there something wrong with me? Is there something ludicrous about finding comfort in the same man – even imperfect men – and relishing in that eventual domestic boredom that oddly translates to bliss? I guess all of us want to find that balance. The balance between comfort, domesticity, safety…and romance, adventure, spontaneity. Ah, but enough of the reflecting. Happy birthday to me and overall it was a nice evening. Maybe one too many glasses of wine, but I retire safely to my bed with one thought…

I miss him.

eissac — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 13:39:06 +0000

This past week I’ve been keeping my eyes open for events that strike me as particularly “blog-worthy” and although there were some real doozies that certainly deserved or invited additional commentary, nothing has really inspired me to jump onto my soap box. I could link you to another blog on wordpress.com that lists “Stuff White People Like.” It’s kept me laughing because many of the items are so shamefully accurate (e.g. “apologies” and “dinner parties”). I could also comment on Barack Obama’s amazing, amazing speech regarding race that I caught almost by accident, and how it still managed to move and inspire me. *Note: Barack is no. 4 on the list of things/people that white people like.* Or I could talk about women “standing by their men” as again demonstrated by Gov. Spitzer’s wife this week. Current events and recent news bulletins certainly offer a large pool from which to choose subject matter. But alas, I have decided to try to keep things fairly close to home.

Tuesday was my birthday. I have a very hard time with each passing birthday. Logically, I realize that this is perhaps ridiculous (everyone keeps telling me so), but I mourn the loss of time each year. Birthdays really demand that you/I take stock in our lives and in our progress. What have I accomplished in twelve months? What had I hoped to accomplish? And then the sadness sets in because I worry about why life doesn’t look more like I want/expect it to “by now.” Those are dangerous words…”by now.” A friend wished me a happy birthday this morning and after explaining the sadness and ‘stock-taking’ that consumes me each year, she told me “at least you’re the type of person who does reflect. So many people do not.” And she’s right. I know plenty of people who never work on themselves and I imagine that they must simply go through the motions of life. It makes me wonder if they then wake up in old age and think, “F**k.”

Today, however, I’m promising myself more optimism in my life. There are innate traits that I will never be able to change about myself: I worry. I over-analyze. I’m an introvert. And I might not ever be that happy-go-lucky person that sprouts sunshine wherever I step. Those people actually really annoy me. But I do have a choice. I can be more deliberate and optimistic about those choices. I told someone yesterday that happiness is, in fact, a choice…and it’s the result of sustained effort. I have some work to do.